This was written in 2012.
I’m going to pre-face this post and let you know, it’s raw, it’s real, and I’ll be opening up to you in a way I may have not in the past. Ok, here we go…
Yesterday felt like the day from Hell. I got a double-whammy of unloading from two different people, back-to-back. And then, while I was getting some much needed help from a listening friend, another person decided to unload a little too.
I have been on Spiritual Journey since 2004. That was the year I took my first class in an attempt to have a greater understanding of how to live a great life. Before that class, I was an angry, lost, ego-driven, insecure and hurt little girl. I knew there had to be more than to live life always angry, and I wanted to know how to get there. I was determined to change my life around. I was determined to live a great life, and I chose not to be a victim anymore.
After that first class, I started to see things from a very different perspective. My eyes were opened for what felt like, the first time. I met my Spirit Guide, I talked with my Higher Self, I played with my Inner Child. Prior to that class, I didn’t know any of this existed. Or rather, I didn’t remember.
Some backstory and insight into me…
Ever since I was a little girl, even from the time I was born, I have felt alone. I felt that nobody really understood me, and nobody really wanted to. I felt like in order to have friends or to have people like me, I had to follow them, what they liked. I needed to blend in, not be so different. To me, I thought I looked just like them. I had all the “right” parts; 2 feet with all my toes, 2 legs that seemed to work properly, a butt, a waist, 2 arms, 2 boobs that I grew into later, 2 ears, 2 eyes, 2 lips, a nose, hair on my head, and I even had, what I thought was a nice smile. What more did they want? For some reason, none of that was ever good enough. It went deeper. Who I was on the inside, how I spoke, who I spoke with, how I expressed myself, that too didn’t seem to be good enough. I remember being teased often. I remember girls ganging up on me, and wanting to fight me. I remember boys throwing food at me. I remember one day at summer camp that I peed in the pool (thinking no one really cared about me anyways and they wouldn’t notice), and someone told on me. Haha. But honestly, am I the ONLY one who has ever peed in a pool, especially when they were a kid???
I felt very alone and became accustomed to that. I would say for the majority of my life, I never had many friends. Even when I would have one or two really good close friends, at some point I would either push them away (because I was not used to so much energy in my space OR I thought eventually they would go anyways, so I saved myself), or eventually they would cut me out. I even had a parent of a friend tell her that she could not hang out with me anymore. That was a first for me. And I was relatively, a “good” girl. I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t drink much, never been in jail. I couldn’t understand why this parent thought so negatively of me.
Okay, to be fair, I was very independent. I basically decided when I was a teenager that I was going to do what I want, when I wanted to do it, even if it meant lying to my parents. If I wanted to see a boy, I had no problem finding a way to make it happen. Even if I had to take a taxi to the bus, and then transfer to 3 buses and walk half a mile, I was gonna do it. And actually, my mother has told me that even when I was little, I used to run off often. I guess I always wanted to be free. Maybe that parent didn’t want her daughter to be as free as me? Who knows…
I grew up in a suburban, middle-upper class neighborhood. Though I lived in a nice house, my parents did not spoil me. They were conservative and responsible with their money, and I never had the latest fashion brands nor did my daddy drive a BMW. Even with what we had, I never felt I deserved any of it. I didn’t feel like I fit in with my town, my community and so I started to hang out with those who also maybe felt misunderstood or who were the minority. I changed what music I listened to, the clothes I wore, and the neighborhoods where I hung out. And, for the first time, I felt like I fit in somewhere. Even when a few Spanish kids (who didn’t understand why I was hanging out with them) would call me a “Cracker”, it didn’t mean anything to me. I was just so happy to feel like I finally fit in somewhere.
It was also when I was in High School that I began hearing and seeing things. I honestly believed that my house was haunted growing up. When my parents recently sold the house I grew up in, I was relieved! I didn’t even say goodbye. I used to see ghosts and things. Dark spirits filtered throughout my home. You know at the end of the movie Ghost, when Carl dies and his spirit turns dark and eerie? That’s what I used to see in my house. It was scary. And my parents did not understand me, nor did they want to, and they thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy too when I didn’t want my dad to leave on a business trip and leave me alone in the house when I was 24! LOL!
So, between the years of HS all the way up until about 2 years ago, I shut down on the part of me that saw Spirit(s), and the part of me that was interested in learning all I could about developing my psychic awareness. I was so scared and had no one to talk to about it, so why bother.
So, now we’re in 2012. I’ve spent the last 8 years developing myself, re-learning who I am, learning about our world and have committed to continue this education for however long I am here.
2012 has been a tough year for many people. This is a year of great change, not just for us here, but for the entire Universe. The things we do here on Earth have a great impact on other planets, even if you cannot understand how that is possible. There was a time when we all lived in LOVE. We loved one another, played together, worked together, there was peace amongst us, and most importantly, the light was abundant and therefore, everything we ever needed was in abundant supply. What we live with now; ego, competition, scarcity, suffering, judgement, these things are not spirit-made. 2012 is about coming back to Spirit, your Higher Self, honoring the light that already resides within you, who you are at the core, without crossing over to the other side. Some of you will choose to cross over because you do not feel you have the capacity to do the work that it will take to bring light back in, and for many, this was decided before you came into this life. Some of you are struggling right now at this very moment, coming right up against the light and you are resisting embracing it. Some of you are already living in the light, but there are so many people still living in the dark around you that you sometimes get pulled out.
That’s where I stand. I have done the work, so much work. I have had many lessons that I have taken on like a bull raging in the ring, when most times I didn’t even know I was in a ring. This year I felt like I cracked open the ego egg and was able to separate the yolk. I continually do the work because I know there is greatness and reward for staying in the game. I have embraced that I deserve all the goodness that exists in the world, and I have FOUGHT for my dreams. Nobody has ever handed me anything. I have had to do the work. When I need help, I have to ask for it. When I say something that hurts someones feelings, whether or not they took it out of context, I need to look at that and reflect. When something isn’t going the way I feel I want it to, I need to look at that. I need to see where I could be responsible for it looking that way. And, when my boundaries have been crossed, I need to stand up for myself. It’s on-going, never-ending, and I chose this, when I chose to be born and enter this world.
Last night after my day from hell, I did some massive praying and crying, and pooping and peeing. Yup. Anything that releases from your body can be a form of cleansing and healing. (Just an FYI.) Snot too.
As I was saying, I did some massive praying. I asked, “Why am I here?” to my Guides, my Angels, to my Star brothers and sisters, to the Hathors, to GOD. They all said, “to make a difference in the world.” I asked again, “Why did I choose to live in a human body when it feels so foreign to me, when I don’t fit in with others, even though I look just like them?” They all said, “to make a difference in the world.” I asked another question and with tears strolling down my face, shared a little extra, “Why did I choose to take on all these tough lessons? I feel like I’m in a boxing ring without gloves or any body protection because I am LOVE, and we don’t need to fight, we can have conversations. But, I go in with my light, and most times others have their gloves on, come out swinging, and are ready to take me out. Yesterday felt like that. I think I heard the “ding”, but I was already on the floor. And when I finally came to, I got kicked in the face. And when I finally came to again, and went to say something, I got punched in the gut. And then I heard it was the end of the round. But alas, it was not the end. I was talking with my coach, who was cleaning me up, patting me down and giving me water when out of nowhere, someone came over and kicked me in the back. So, I ask my Angels, Guides, Star brothers and sisters, Hathors and GOD, why did I choose to take on all these tough lessons?” And they responded, “This is what you chose when you agreed (and wanted) to enter this life. You knew it was not going to be easy, but you also knew you wanted to make a difference in the world and it was going to take a lot more, than most (normally) agree to take on. You chose to take on these lessons to show others what is possible if you work hard, stay true to yourself and continue to fight for your dreams. While it may be foreign to be in a human body, living a human life, you are not alone. Many others feel the same way and you are here to show them, that they too are not alone. We are all here to help you, all you have to do is ask.”
And so I did. I asked for so much help. I asked to be guided to friends who are living in the light, who can communicate openly, honestly, lovingly, and who will respect and support me with unconditional love.
I asked for a romantic partnership with a man who can also communicate openly, honestly and lovingly and who loves me unconditionally. He also needs to understand/relate, support, and respect me.
I asked to be helped on my journey, to be guided to events and places where I can meet others who are also up to great things in the world and with whom we can help one another on our paths.
And I prayed, and prayed, with tears strolling down my face that I am able to get through these tough lessons with ease, grace and that I never have to repeat them, ever again, in this life and all others.
When I woke up this morning, I felt refreshed, energized and free from all the pain I experienced yesterday.
So, to conclude, and you will all relate to this where you need to, I am here because I chose to be. I am here to live a life, that with a bit of work, will show others what is possible. I am here to live my dreams. I am here to help and assist our planet as we go through this shift from dark to light. I am here to show the light where there is darkness. I am here to live life abundantly and without regret. I am here, to be of service, to live a life I love, to be loved unconditionally and it doesn’t matter how many times I get knocked down, I will still be here.